here i go (again)

2006-08-29T13:24:06+02:00

Wow, the month is nearly over. How did that happen? So much to do, so many things changing all the time.
Summer is gone. And (again) i feel that one of my life "season" is over. Without wanting that.
Last days were so confusing for me. I have never experienced like this. I didnt thought that i will go through this feelings. In a way i know life is like this, this is what we get, it can`t be easy, it can`t be angels, roses and flying things.
Everybody keeps telling me that i will be much stronger if i go through on this things. Do i? Do i feel stronger? Not at all. Maybe i will open my eyes better in future, be more cautious with some things, with things that i encountered and didnt go well.
All my life when i wanted something, i achived it. This times i feel the collapse, the come to nothing thing.
In two weeks time im leaving England. It was a piquant year. It was a mixture of cruel, tough with good, sophisticated times. I dont want to say, it was an experince and now its time to move on, because im planning to come back. I dont feel i finished here. Since i was 18 years old, left my home to see the world, going for the "big journey". Was there and here, now i feel i have to settle down, to have that life whats on my mind for a long time. To be with that somebody when i wake up, to watch that innocent and free smile, to feel that heart lying by my side. OK, i dont want to get to profound and soapy.
I used to say that nothing beats an earth moving kiss. So i had it. Well, not at a right moment of my life. I have this luck, or something. But still thinking of that, but cant explain why. IM not that person who really trust in people, "im chewing everything good and then i swallow it". I dont fel in love easy, so im not in love. But still, i cant get rid of that kiss.
Also my ex is back in my life. More confusing. We met last year (2005), feelings, big love, emotions, plannings, close to wedding, OVER. Reason: he get scared. I was too. But if im scared of something i dont give up on everything. After 3 months he wants me back. No comment. Anyway im leaving, so when im back will be the time of decision. Or should i have it now, and then i know taht im coming back for this?
Up and down. Everything is spinning. Anyway, im trying to not be depressed. My friends wants me smiling, bec they are happy, so they want to see me too. I will try my best. The summer is over, but not everything.

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zsolt

here i go (again)